Friday, December 7, 2018

Middle School Sucks

Will someone please tell me how to go back in time?  Back to a time where my boy loved me unconditionally, trusted me wholly, confided in me for everything, and actually wanted to spend time with me.  Back to a time when I could tell him something and he would trust me without a fault?

How do I let go of every anxiety I feel when he makes a decision that may not have been what I would have chosen for him?  How do I let him make these mistakes and trust he is on the path that has been laid out for him?  How am I going to make it through the teenage years without admitting myself into the nut house?  How am I going to survive the ulcers I'm sure are coming in the near future?  

How do I instill a work ethic that will translate into school work?  I don't want to force him to care about his assignments, turning it in on time, and actually completing them, but I feel like given his track record thus far its my only option.  

He use to be so trusting.  He use to confide in me with out reprieve.  What changed all that?  Why is middle school so hard?  I thought going through it was rough...but watching someone else that I love so deeply try and navigate it is far worse.  

I want him to have the confidence he needs to make it through the rough times when girls break his heart.  I want him to have the gusto to stand up to those who question him about the things he loves.  I want him to see how special and absolutely amazing he is, and own it.  

Bottom line I need to know how to make my kid believe in himself. 

Everything so far he's gone through this year is killing me a little each day.  I'm not sure I can take much more heartache.  Why do I have this overwhelming desire to be the perfect parent?  To know the right answer for every little thing. 
Am I giving him the right guidance and protecting him from everything I'm suppose to so I can ensure when he reaches adulthood he won't come back to me and blame me for any and all issues he may have?  Do I expect too much of him?  I know I do of myself.  How do I not project that?  

Also how much freedom am I suppose to allow so he learns self control?  

Middle school can kick rock as far as I'm concerned.  This is stupid.  I'm probably overreacting, I need a nap.  

Friday, April 11, 2014

Its About Time

Isn't it though.  Time essentially runs our lives right?  Obviously this fact hasn't escaped our minds and this isn't some epiphany I have stumbled upon but I will say this, what I do with my time has become very apparent to me over the last month. 
The week before general conference we all attended church, GASP!  I know, I know, well you have to start somewhere and well that's a start.  Anyways...the lesson was about how all these electronic devices are running our lives, and our children's lives and really just sucking the life out of us.  I had an AH-HA moment in that class and I will tell you all about it in a minute.
A couple months ago we purchased a condo in Driggs, Idaho.  A big thank you to my brother and sister in law for allowing us to purchase this condo from them because it has literally been the best investment in our family we have ever made.  Every weekend since the snowboarding season started we have been at that condo.  Why is it so great you ask?  No internet, very bad cellphone service from our provider (thank you sprint!) and very few channels on the good ol' rabbit ears!  Halleluiah!!!  Now granted my home in Rigby suffered some in the cleaning department and it was sometimes too much so we stayed home but for the most part every weekend was spent in that condo, and on the ski hill. 
Now months passed and life just seemed to be getting better and better relationship wise with the whole family, not that it had ever suffered but it was getting really good!  We never fought, kids were more relaxed, which meant less breakdowns overall just really, really good!  I kept thinking how lucky we were to have each other and how I never imagined life could be this good.  (I know how many times can I say it.)  But it's true! 
Cody and myself went on a little date night to the movie one of these last weekends and we were both talking about how grateful we were to have such a great companions to spend this time with and that  we couldn't imagine life with anyone else no matter where our path takes us.  But neither of us could put a finger on what had changed. 
Why the changed?  Why do I feel so happy all the time?  Very little anxiety, nothing to really complain about.  What has changed?  You know what it was...TIME.  My ah-ha.  You guessed it.  Less time on the iphone, less time on the ipod, less time on the ipad, less tv time.  More uninterrupted family time.  Its crazy to me the amount of time we all spent on our electronic devices and after that Sunday lesson, that's when I realized that the break we take every weekend was the change we needed in the family.  It has made me so much more aware of how much time I literally WASTE on my phone. 
I am kind of sad to see the snow go, it has been our sanctuary these last few months and maybe we will get back up there this summer who knows.  What I do know is that it has made me a more conscious mother, and wife.  I will now start to power down devices and actually enjoy my real life more because that is what makes us truly happy, FAMILY.         

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Tattooed Religion

Ok so it is apparent from my outward appearance that I am tattooed.  I am also Mormon.  Not like the "tattooed Mormon" though nothing wrong with her, I'm just not that girl.  I do not attend regular meetings, hold a church calling, I have not been married in the temple and I do not regularly read the book of Mormon. 

Does this mean I am no longer a Mormon?  No, I do not believe so, and this is not the reason I am posting this.  I am not here to question weather I am a certain religion or not but I am here to talk about my experience being a "raised in the LDS church, but oh my gosh she is covered in tattoos!  what happened to her, Mormon". 

First off yes I was raised Mormon.  We went to church every Sunday, had family scripture study every morning, said family prayers together, and over all lead a very "Mormon" life.  My parents were great examples to me and are still to this day, people I hope to be like when I grow up. 

I got my first tattoo the summer after I turned 18.  I hid it for a very long while because I knew how my parents felt about them.  I have always had such a great relationship with my parents, especially my mother, and I didn't want that to change.  I'm not sure when they found out I must have blocked it from my mind but there is one tattoo I do remember showing my mother.  It was the first tattoo I had gotten on my lower arm.  This was after I was married and I believe even had my first child.  I came to my parents house to see a cousin and aunt that was visiting and reviled the new artwork.  Immediately my mother walked into her bedroom closed the door and stayed for some time.  Not wanting to face her, and the disappointment she carried, I stayed away.  I wanted so badly for her to accept me, all of me, but I also understood why this was a very hard thing of me to ask.  Weeks went by and I'm sure more tattoos came and little by little the shock was less and less.

She recently told me of a time when it all took a turn for her.   I had come to church to pick up my son she had been watching.  I was not dressed for the occasion and so my tattoos were showing and right away my mother thought "I have to get her out of here!"  She rushed me out the door and into the parking lot and I was on my way with my child non the wiser.  Here is the part where I believe it all changed for her.  Now mind you my mother has never treated me with disgust or ill will.  She has always masked her embarrassment for me quite well.  She had a thought  "she's my daughter too, and I would never treat her like that.  I gave her to you because I knew you would always love her."  I think after that she decided no matter my choices she was going to love me because nothing was worth loosing me.

And that my friends is what I am writing about.   I'm writing about the GOOD people in the Mormon church that don't judge me, or treat me different because I am a tattooed mother sitting in church.  They love and support me that one Sunday a month, or year I attend, because they know I mean well.  And those people go beyond my mother.  And they are in tune with the spirit enough to know that even though I do not regularly attend church meetings or volunteer to hold callings that I am trying.

 I had a friend ask me once

"so you go to relief society?"
"and they are nice to you?"
"haha, yes."

He was surprised, which I think is kind of sad, but even if there had been anyone who wasn't exactly a "saint" towards me I wouldn't let it keep me from going back because I can't let someone else decide what my life can be after all of this earth stuff is done.  I will tell you I have been treated like crap by other religions way more than my own...maybe they are still trying to save me...haha. 

All I am saying is this.

I am so grateful I got the parents I did.  They accept me and my family as we are and just keep praying for us, which we need anyways so I will take it.  I love my parents and the example they set for me.  There are really great people in all religions, and also some pretty crappy ones but don't let the bad ones make you hate a whole religion.  Look past the people and find a message that speaks to you, and your heart.  Make it work for you and do what you can to be a better person.  And also don't judge those around you because they picked a religion you disagree with, just do you.  

If getting tattooed is the worst thing I could do in my life I think I'm doing pretty good if I do say so myself. 

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Small Victories

Wow I must say two blog post in two days is a new record for me! 

Yesterday was a good day for me.  There were many small victories that out weighed the little defeats so that's a good day right?

It started out by actually getting the kids to school on time!  Yay!  Maybe my son's hair wasn't combed but hey he got there, and not only on time early.  Today maybe he was late and forgot his backpack which I had to turn around and go home to get but, we won't talk about that.  We will talk about the fact that I kept my cool and didn't get upset about something that was done.  I just dropped him off and immediately went back to retrieve the back pack.  We also won't talk about the fact that the Ipod somehow got remembered of course.  

Another victory!  Half of the cloths that were washed Friday, and folded Monday got put away yesterday!  That's under a week between wash and put away!  That's a victory for me!  There are still half to be put away, but they are mostly my cloths, and I will wear them eventually so I am merely just making them quicker to get at. 

Victory, homework got done before 7pm!  This sometimes gets left until morning when its already hectic so I really try hard to get this accomplished before bed and last night we won!  And without complaining!  I think my daughter is actually starting to hate homework less which is great because she is only just beginning and I can't take 12 yrs of fighting homework I just can't.

This paragraph with be comprised with non-victories so the text will be downsized to further emphasize the victories.  No piano happened can I tell you how exhausting piano is for me!  My kids love it which helps but the method we are using really relies on the mother teaching the child by copying and memorizing songs.  So I have to learn and reteach songs to 2 children.  Lets just say I've heard twinkle twinkle enough to last a lifetime.  But it's not all bad just hard to do everyday.  Second loss actually happened today my daughter went to school without looking like she just walked out of a GAP add.  But I did manage to brush her hair which could be considered a victory so they cancel each other out.  Also lunch for her consisted of dry mini wheat cereal, crackers, and a danimal yogurt, also another fail.  There were others like I didn't vacuum, or deep clean bathrooms, blah blah blah... you get the point.  No need to rub it in any further.    

I don't go through my days thinking exactly what I have failed at or not.  But I do have to remind myself of what I have actually accomplished in a day or else when I look at my disheveled house I may cry.  This morning my daughter asked me if I was going to yell today, like I'm some kind of pre-mediated yeller.  Apparently she thinks I think about it way before hand which you all know is never the case for us mothers, exactly the opposite.  I think or pray to have the strength of patience.  Which yesterday worked out.  Although I forgot appointments, had to run the garbage out to the road like a mad woman and didn't make a Martha Stewart dinner, (thank you papa Kelsey's for helping me out on that one) I also didn't stress out about it and make myself crazy.  I just made it through. 

And sometimes that's all we can do.  Relish in the small victories they will be your sanctuary.     

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

My very long hiatus...

Well I have decided to give this blog thing another try.  I have lots of ramblings that go through my head and why not write them all down for your enjoyment, or distaste whichever strikes your fancy. 
Little recap on this thing we call life.  I am a mother to two beautiful children who push my buttons daily, but also bring me the greatest joy.  We also have a little rat dog we like to call coco, or a slur of other can not be typed "mommy words".  I am also a wife to one of the best men put on this earth.  Seriously ask around you won't be lied to. 

Lets bring everyone up to speed on what we all look like now

First off the children.  They take up about 75-80% of my day...100% if you count the occasional cleaning up after them I do.  And no, I wouldn't change it for the world. 

When we first had our son I literally was so happy, I would just look at my baby and think about how awesome it was and why had no one really described it the way I was feeling?  Even if they had they wouldn't have come close to encompassing all the wonderfulness (is that a word?) that comes along with being a mom.  They also would have never captured how hard it is either.  Every day I wake up and try, and ALMOST every day I lay down and think about some part of my day where I have failed.  But there are those really, really good days that keep you going.  Or those blog posts where some other mother just gets it and really puts it out there and you sympathize with her and think maybe I'm not the only one.  Maybe I'm not the only one who looses it during piano lessons, or when we are working on math, or for the 1,000 time while telling your 5 year old what sound the letter D makes.  Maybe I'm also not the only one apologizing again for raising my voice when yet again we are late for school drop off.  And I'm being nice when I say "raising my voice" its a little louder than "raising"  it's awaking the dead.  Many times when talking to other moms I try to work out what adults are suppose to act like with their children, but that all goes out the window when my 5 yr old (who is exactly like me) just won't give up.  Eventually, and sometimes she does win, but the small stubborn 5 yr old inside me puts up one heck of a fight!  But I'm working on acting like an adult and just figuring a way to still "win" but not break that spirit of my 5 yr old but come on it's HARD!  I want my kids to grow up confidant, and independent, but also considerate and kind.  I'm not sure I'm the best example but dang it I'm trying!  My daughter hasn't asked me for a while if I would start a yelling jar so I suppose I'm getting somewhere. (and I hate to admit that jar would be for me.)
Contrary to what this picture suggest BOTH of my children are happy, I think

I also don't want all of you thinking our home is a constant battle ground.  Between the moments of temporary control loss there are shinning moments of love and kindness and consideration (on my part too!)  Constantly my kids show me what it is to love unconditionally and also what it is like to be silly.  They make it ok to dance crazy, or sing loud, or just do things for no reason.  As brother and sister my kids get along better than I ever imagined they would.  They are each others best friend no matter if its legos, and hot wheels, or barbies and babies they do it together.  I hear of a lot of other parents who have kids that constantly fight and bicker and it makes me grateful for the wonderful relationship my kids share and I hope it continues. 

Ok second the husband.  This guy is seriously my best friend.  Yes we fight sometimes maybe not like normal people but how we do it works for us.  10 years in marriage and it seems like we are working out all the small kinks and finally just settling into life.

Third the dog, she is a dog who occasionally has accidents in the house, chews up small toys or runs as fast as she can when I try to catch her but, she is a really good, sweet, charming little thing and we love her. 
I do have to say, and I think of this often, the point we are at in our lives is pretty good right now.  The kids are pretty independent, they are reaching an age where they want to do activities we as adults can really enjoy with them and they are past the cry for no reason stage (fingers crossed).  I'm not saying we don't have the occasional melt down but at least now we can somewhat reason/bribe our way out of it. 

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


I posted this last year thanks to my friend shannon and i'm so bad at blogging this is my first post since then...oh well!

What is your favorite color? Purple...but she did say pink not much has changed!
What is your favorite food? Oatmeal...I swear she said this all on her own!

Favorite animal? Lion

What is your favorite TV show? Tinkerbell

What kind of music do you like? anything mom sings...she is sweet

What are you really good at? Riding motorcycles! 
What are you not so good at? She said she's good at everything!

Who are your best friends? Cienna and Brinley her cousins

What is the best thing about having a older brother? He's nice

Do you think Mom & Dad should have another baby? Yes because I love babies

Do you ever not like having a brother? no

What do you want to do when you grow up?Be Rapunzel 

If you had a lot of money, what do you think you would buy? A princess, apparently we are into owning people now

What is the best thing about your mom?  She helped me learn to ride the motorcycle

What is the best thing about your dad?  He calls me his princess

What do you think Heaven is like? White sky, nice heaven, Jesus is there with his own life and I like Jesus
Tell me something that is really funny: fighting with our dog teco

What is your favorite thing to wear? Dresses
What does love mean? it means thank you, goodbye

What does it mean to be a good friend? helping, shoveling, raking, riding motorcycles (keep in mind we are currently finally getting our yard in!)

If you could fly somewhere where would you go? St.George to see travis and libby and get her bow. 

What is your favorite word? Silly goose

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

A little Survey of my soon to be 3Yr Old Baby Girl!

My friend Shannon had posted this on her blog dooleydaze for her 4 yr old son and I thought it was cute and well I need to post so why not this!

What is your favorite color? Pink
What is your favorite food? Pink ...(this may be a trend) then she said I mean the yellow food

Favorite animal? Pink...serious...Cat

What is your favorite TV show? TinkerBell

What kind of music do you like? Tinkerbell song

What are you really good at? Jumping on the trampoline

What are you not so good at? anything

Who are your best friends? Grayson (brother)

What is the best thing about having a older brother? he plays with me

Do you think Mom & Dad should have another baby? yeah

Do you ever not like having a brother? Nope

What do you want to do when you grow up?I want to have an animal and a lion

If you had a lot of money, what do you think you would buy? a lion and a kitty

What is the best thing about your mom?I like mom running

What is the best thing about your dad? I love him

What do you think Heaven is like? I think there is icecream
Tell me something that is really funny: as she farts and says ahh i farted...

What is your favorite thing to wear? the Tinkerbell dress

What does love mean? I want you to be nice

What does it mean to be a good friend? I play with my brother

If you could fly somewhere where would you go? I would go to Tinkerbell (she's a fan)

What is your favorite word? Tinkerbell *(shocker)